i feel like i just want to be my genuine self online. talk about when I’m sad, when i’m mad, when i’m happy, etc. just everything from A to Z. however, I feel like from a professional standpoint I can’t. i can’t make a video and post it to LinkedIn talking about how i’m unhappy currently at work. that would be an instant conversation with my manager.

i can’t post that video to youtube, because it would get to my boss again. even facebook might not be a good place. i just want to talk about my feelings and see who else feels the same way.

if i’ve learned anything from reaching my goals (getting a new job, buying a home, etc), the journey is long and hard, and the top isn’t as sweet as i thought.

sure, i am happy and grateful to be where i am now, but the high you get (like hitting the jackpot) is very short lived. there’s a moment where all the endorphins hit you and you feel this sense of amazement, just for it to fade away and for you to feel somewhat… numb? to feel like it came and went before you could really appreciate it for what it is.

it’s weird. it makes me feel like there’s not really a point of goals besides to prove to yourself you can do something, or to “show off” to others. i bought a home, got a new job, and all these other things just for myself and for my future family. however, now with an amazing income i feel like it’s still not enough. i want more. i want to upgrade the things that i have when i do not need to.

i just can’t enjoy what i have for some reason and it bugs me.

i’m at a philz coffee right now in SF, and I got to say life has been pretty good. i have a loving girlfriend, recently got a new job, and it’s almost been a year since i purchased my home. in a few months i will be turning 28, and that’s probably the weirdest thing. life has really flashed by since i graduated college back in 2016, and i know it’s only going to get faster from here.

right now i am waiting for my girlfriend to be done with her last day of work, then we’re going to get some good food. i just feel so fortunate to have her in my life. sure, we do have arguments and disagreements, but not at all like my past relationship. she’s always very understanding with my random outbursts of emotion, and i can truly be myself around her.

we go to hawaii this sunday, and i can’t wait to experience it with her. i’ve gone in the passed with my family and once with friends, but never just me and one other person. it’s about to be an exciting time fill with food, scenery, and adventures.

for anyone who’s reading this and going through a hard time, know time heals all wounds. don’t look for someone just to fill the void inside. fill that with self love, new hobbies, friends, etc. you’ll find the person for you when you realize you’re already happy without them, and adding them is the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae.

i really just want to give a big “fuck you” to my dad for forming my emotions into this cluster fuck of confusion. You never wanting us around and then wanting us around when it came to me, mom, and JP really just destroyed me, and I do the same thing to the people i love around me. i push them away when i want them there, i want them there when i push them away. i make them cry then feel immediately bad afterwards, and when they dont feel my pain i want them to fee the same way that i do.

you fucked me up so badly, and after 26 years i can’t break this bad path. when i get down i just want everyone around me to feel the same exact fucking way. happy or sad, everyone has to feel the same way that i am. its wrong. its unhealthy. its hurting the relationships that i have. 

i jus want to fucking die sometimes so i take away this pain from others for just a little bit. that’s what i am. a fucking mood ring forcing different feelings onto someone else

Today my friend asked me what I liked about you, and there was a lot to unpack in that simple question.

I have never, ever, ever got into a relationship this quickly before. In the past, I have waited a good amount of time to make sure that I wanted to be with that person, and eventually say “well, I hope it works” and get into a relationship. All my relationships have been pretty good, but the last one left me pretty scarred. Ignoring red flags, breaking up and getting back together so many times, and just being in two different parts of our lives.

But with you, things are completely different.

There are no red flags. I’ve gone through our hangouts in my head over and over again, and I can’t find a flag anywhere. With you, there is no doubt. There’s no second-guessing and asking myself “do I really want to spend my time with this person” (or even possibly the rest of my life). Every day has been memorable and happy, but it isn’t just the dates. It’s you.

You are just such a fucking amazing individual. We have the same humor, we have similar interests, and I can see the love you have for people more than yourself. You’re so selfless with helping your friends in Sacramento to kids at your work and it warms my heart. You’re one of the few people to ever give me a compliment and you make me feel good about myself. We can have an open dialogue about important topics without being scared and I can sincerely say that you mean a lot to me. 

In the past, I was not happy with myself going into relationships. This time, I made sure that I was happy and content with my life before finding someone to add value and not give me the value in my life. You are more than enough plus some, and that’s all I can ask for.

It’s early on, but I’m happy and can’t wait to see where things go.

So, we sealed the deal and now we’re officially a couple. It was only a few dates in, but I’ve never been more confident in my choice to be with someone.

I told myself that I wasn’t going to be with someone until I was happy alone and feeling confident with who I was as a person. I’ve finally reached that not too long ago, and you’re the icing on the cake. The little bit “more” in my life that pushes me. 

It’s still all very fresh and new and rainbows and butterflies, but I’m happy and what’s even more important is that you’re happy. You told me multiple times last night when you were a little tipsy. It’s just surreal to know that I’ve got a good one.

I’m pretty lucky.

I was finally happy alone, and then you came along and now I’m happy together with you.

why not. Who knows what’s going to happen, but I just wanted to say that yesterday on my date I had an amazing time. Everything was just so natural and smooth and nothing felt out of the ordinary. I really liked that she ended up asking me some harder/deeper questions. I really enjoy those types of conversations, but sometimes you just don’t know if someone is asking for the sake of conversation or really cares you know?

Talking about my mom has always been a touchy subject. Sometimes I feel pretty open to talking about it, but sometimes I want to keep it to myself since it might be a lot to handle at once. I really don’t know what’s too much to divulge on a first date or when you’re getting to know someone. 

I just wanted to document and say that yesterday was amazing and that I am trying not to think about it too deeply.

And overall, it was pretty good. We talked, laughed, cracked jokes on each other, and just enjoyed our time together. She came over and we watched Friends, played with my cat, then I walked her to her car. 

I spent a good amount of the time filling the gaps of silence, and for some reason, I just feel sad right now. I feel like being me shouldn’t scare me, but I feel like it is just too much sometimes; at least to others. I really need to tone it down a bit.